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 3/8/2013 10:10 PM
 

Got this today so decided I wanted to share it with those that could relate

sheila

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend,

is the definition of 'OLD'!

~ ~ ~

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker

came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

~ ~ ~

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing

about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied,

'No peer pressure.'

~ ~ ~

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

~ ~ ~

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

so I got my doctor's permission to

join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..

But, by the time I got my leotards on,

the class was over.

~ ~ ~

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and

told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

~ ~ ~

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

~ ~ ~

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

~ ~ ~

It's scary when you start making the same noises

as your coffee maker.

~ ~ ~

These days about half the stuff

in my shopping cart says,

'For fast relief.'

~ ~ ~

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

the eyesight to tell the difference.

~ ~ ~

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

~ ~ ~

Always REMEMBER this:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing...

~ ~~

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

I don't want to brag or m ake anyone jealous or anything,

but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.







=

=



____________________________________________________________

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 3/9/2013 9:42 AM
 

Good one, Sheila - Now I'll add another:

SEX AT 79
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing
me that I can have sex at 79. I'm so
happy, because I live at number 71. So it's
not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!


Evie driving Flitter, 26' Itasca Spirit with furry co-pilot, Elsa
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 3/9/2013 10:03 PM
 

that was a good one Evie

sheila

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 3/13/2013 10:35 PM
 
TeeeHeeeeeeeeeee Thanks for the laughs girls! Do you think anyone else will join in??

Linda

Linda
Photobucket PhotobucketPhotobucket
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 3/14/2013 12:41 AM
 

maybe the lurkers did!!!

saw one today so if any of you get a chance to see one

entitled paperless society I think some thing of that nature

it was so cute

sheila

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 3/14/2013 11:44 PM
 

Hi, y'all! Those are good!

It has been a long time since I've been to the forum, not even as a lurker! I can't think of any funnies, but I can contribute a couple quotes by Mark Twain:

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

Cheers,

Janice


I have no special gift. I am only passionately curious. ~ Albert Einstein
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 3/15/2013 12:35 AM
 

things to remember for sure...don't be a stranger Janice come visit us more often

sheila

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